Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Monday, 28 November 2016 16:36

Finding a Boy’s Safe Place Featured

Written by  Tom Golden, LCSW
Rate this item
(0 votes)
UnknownAbout the Author:  Tom Golden, LCSW is the author of three books on men and boy’s unique paths to heal.  The first was written in the late 1990’s and titled Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing.  Next was the follow up book The Way Men Heal.  More concise and updated information on the connections of biology and male healing. It also has sections on tips for how obest help men for both therapist and for the general public.  The latest book is for moms titled Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the Unique World of Boys.  Tom has given workshops on these topics in the U.S.,  Australia, Canada and Europe. His work has been featured in the NY Times, the Washington Post, on CNNCBS Evening NewsESPN, the NFL Channel and others. Tom served as vice chair of the Maryland Commission for Men’s Health and lives outside Washington DC. You can find him on his web sites, menaregood.comweekly newsletter or his youtube channel Men Are Good.


by Tom Golden, LCSW

A mom came to see me for therapy worried about her 12 year old son. Since her husband’s death her son played basketball. Lots of basketball. Morning, noon and night!  When she would try to sit down with him and talk about his father’s death he would clam up and shut down.  He didn’t want any part of it.  This worried the mom no end.  We talked about his relationship with his father and it came out that the boy and his dad played a good deal of basketball together.  It was their way to connect.  I encouraged the mom to go home and see if she could play some basketball with her son and watch what happened.

She came back the next week a changed woman.  She said they played some and the son gave her a hard time about not being able to play like his dad. But playing ball made it easier for him to say he missed his dad. In fact it was the first time he had told her he missed his dad and the first conversation they had about his dad’s absence. They both laughed and cried as they played.

She found out something else that helped her to understand her son.  He mentioned to her that the reason he kept practicing was he was trying to make the shot that his father had been encouraging him to make.  He called it a “3 pointer” and it was normally out of his range.  He had always been too small to make it from that distance.  He told his mom with pride that he had made one of those recently and he wanted to make more. He told her that the first time he made the shot he stopped and said aloud “I did it dad” and then burst into tears.  When we talked she realized that his playing ball was connected to his father’s death.  In fact, the boy was using a very common masculine healing technique of using the future.  He wanted to honor his dad by improving his play and making that shot something that was second nature to him. He wanted to do it for his dad.  Can you see how this young man was using the basketball to connect with his father, and to honor his father with his improved play?  He was using his action to honor his dad and this pulled him into the future. Can you also see that when he practiced to make the shot and even more when he did make that shot his memories and emotions surrounding his father would be front and center?

If this mom had simply placed her son in therapy she would never have gotten the closeness she found from that short game of basketball.  As you can imagine, she didn’t really need to see me so much after that nor did her son.  She knew she just needed to play a game of Horse with him and she could enter his safe place.   Think about your own son. Where is his safe place? It may not be basketball, but it likely involves some sort of action or inaction.  To learn more about these places and how they work you might want to get a copy of my newest book, Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the Unique World of Boys



Read 8480 times Last modified on Monday, 28 November 2016 16:49


  • Comment Link Fawn Tuesday, 25 July 2017 18:33 posted by Fawn

    film izle q desire

  • Comment Link Dwight Tuesday, 25 July 2017 05:52 posted by Dwight

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Men's Health. Regards

  • Comment Link amigurumi oyuncak Tuesday, 25 July 2017 02:43 posted by amigurumi oyuncak

    Amigurumi veya örgü oyuncak tekniği ülkemizde
    uzun süredir biliniyorfakat insanların günlük ihtiyaçlarını karşılayan tığ işleri gibi yaygın olmadığı
    için pek geliştiği söylenemez.Sizler için blogumuzda
    amigurumi yapımı ve diğer el işi örgüler ile ilgili paylaşımlarda bulunuyoruz.
    Sizler de el işine meraklıysanız sitemize bekliyoruz.

  • Comment Link Derrick Monday, 24 July 2017 23:34 posted by Derrick

    If you wish for to obtain a great deal from this piece of
    writing then you have to apply such strategies to your won website.

  • Comment Link Ivan Monday, 24 July 2017 20:50 posted by Ivan

    I was suggested this website by means of my cousin. I'm now not certain whether or not this submit
    is written by means of him as no one else recognize such detailed approximately my difficulty.
    You're amazing! Thank you!

  • Comment Link Pauline Monday, 24 July 2017 05:17 posted by Pauline

    Thanks for finally talking about >Men's E-News -
    Finding a Boy’s Safe Place

  • Comment Link Monserrate Saturday, 22 July 2017 23:31 posted by Monserrate

    You made some decent points there. I checked on the internet for more information about
    the issue and found most individuals will go
    along with your views on this website.

  • Comment Link Chas Saturday, 22 July 2017 21:56 posted by Chas

    This is such a great message. Do you have a Facebook page?

  • Comment Link Brooke Saturday, 22 July 2017 01:47 posted by Brooke

    That is very fascinating, You are an excessively professional blogger.
    I have joined your feed and stay up for seeking more
    of your excellent post. Also, I've shared your website
    in my social networks

  • Comment Link Bernadine Friday, 21 July 2017 06:04 posted by Bernadine

    Your means of telling everything in this paragraph is truly nice, all be capable of without difficulty understand it, Thanks a lot.

Leave a comment

Make sure you enter the (*) required information where indicated. HTML code is not allowed.