I Want To Help But I Don’t Know What To Say

By Robert Cubby Physical Health - HF Writers January 30, 2014

It’s sometimes easy to advocate how to act or deal with someone facing a traumatic situation in their life. I know I have done so over the years recommending that certain things should and should not be done or said to a victim of trauma. But when recently the shoe was on the other foot, and I became the victim of trauma, what I had been preaching over so many years suddenly took on an all too real meaning for me. You see recently my wife became seriously ill and was hospitalized for 2.5 months. In the initial stages of that illness the actions of some people certainly left a lot to be desired.

I had always advocated certain steps to be adhered to. Initial response should be positive to ease the immediate emotional trauma that the person may be experiencing ( Police One News, 3/1/12). Instead I got ” what took you so long to call 911?” and “you should have called sooner.” Hardly supportive words and , quite frankly, added to an already traumatic situation.

I advocated making contact with the victim. A handshake, a hug or an understanding nod indicate support (Police One News, 3/1/12). I do have to say after the initial shock of being second guessed and criticized, one of the more experienced paramedics held my shaking hands and assured me everything will be alright. Just that gesture, just that assurance did a world of good for me. I was going to be asked to sign paperwork and make extremely serious decisions concerning my wife’s health. Being traumatized hardly lends itself to that decision making. A simple gesture like that, like holding a hand, resets the victim’s mind for the task at hand.

Sharing the experience lending an empathetic ear sharing your experience helps ( Police One News, 3/1/12) but caution must be exercised if you will try to tell the person “you know what they’re going through”.(The Art of Presence, 1/20/14). You have no idea what they are going through and by comparing it ” stings as clueless, careless, or just plain false” (The Art of Presence, 1/20/14). Many friends tried to show they cared, and only one friend even came close to traveling the same journey, but they never stated they knew what we were going through. I was thankful for that.

Humor is helpful in certain circumstances and it lightens the heaviness of the stress (Police One News, 3/1/12) but it has its time and place. I certainly had little to smile or laugh about facing life and death decisions concerning my wife. As she recovered and the nearness of the trauma eased, humor was welcome but not during the crisis.

During our crisis, much had to be juggled and our family life was turned upside down. But bills still had to be paid, laundry done, grocery shopping and meals planned. Life doesn’t just stop because we are dealing and facing trauma, or watching and hoping for some sign of hope or recovery in our loved one. When I was doing that balancing act, a dear friend offered to pay for take out dinner for the family, due to the distance between us. I know she would have come over and cooked and cleaned, as many had offered to do. Non verbal expressions of love are as healing as eloquence ( The Art of Presence, 1/20/14) .Although I never took up the offers, it was so gratifying to know that so many were offering to help in those little everyday things that now become monstrous burdens as we sit and wait and watch for some sign of recovery in our loved one.

Many well meaning but misguided people offer advice because they think they need to offer a solution to your particular problem. Saying ” you’ll get over it” or “you shouldn’t feel that way” is hurtful and misleading. You won’t get over it since a ” major disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no back to the old me.” (The Art of Presence, 1/20/14). A well meaning person said that when I was venting about my feelings and what I was going through. I wanted to scream at her for saying that. My life as I knew it and the life of my wife were forever changed that day. To think or say we will be back to where we once were is naive. It plants false hope and leads the victim to false expectations of “normal”. When they don’t reach that false goal, then what? Do they start second guessing themselves or become depressed that they’ll never be the same. Better to realize that you can never be the same and get to know the new you and your new life than to expect that the old one can be resurrected.

There are those that are good at responding to crisis situations (firefighters)and those that stick with you over the years helping you rebuild your life( builders) (The Art of Presence, 1/20/14) . Try to have builders in your life to help you over the long recovery. I am blessed right now with a phenomenal care team of builders helping us rebuild our lives. Not surprisingly the firefighters moved to help in another crisis. They care and listen when I message them, but few can do both so I’m content that they were there in the crisis when I needed them.

One thing I always emphasized was to encourage talking with the trauma victim as they tend to withdraw from the world.(Police One News, 3/1/12). Understanding and seeing that in myself, I forced myself to post a diary, a journal of our everyday experiences, either good or bad. I knew I had to keep talking or I’d go mad with the loneliness and the sadness attached to the serious illness of my wife. I didn’t care what people thought or whether they were even reading the entries. I knew I needed to communicate or face withdrawing from the world.

Showing respect to the victim helped him/her feel that there was some worth to their experience and feelings ( Police One News, 3/1/12). For every entry that I made, everyone was respectful of my feelings. I can’t say as much for the way the initial doctor and medical staff conducted themselves. On the second day that my wife was in the hospital, the doctor came into her room and without as much as an introduction or taking his eyes off his clipboard, he casually said ” so what do you think?” I said she looked better today than yesterday. Scoffing like I was some sort of moron he callously stated ” she’s dying.” He then walked out with no expression of sympathy or respect for my feelings. How could someone be so careless and callous toward a loved one wrestling with his emotions and unsure of any future whatsoever with his wife? I was more than glad that he was proven wrong but the harm he caused was inexcusable.

I never expected that the steps and procedures that I once taught to others, would mean so much to me in the end. They have taken on a whole new meaning and the empathy I feel for trauma victims will be that much deeper. Although I will never say it, I truly do know what they are going through. I’ve been there. I lived it. Those steps and that procedure aren’t empty words now but assurances that, if at all possible, I won’t put a victim through what I was put through.I pray that more people who are responsible for the initial contact with trauma victims can, too, put themselves in the place of the victim and treat them like they would like to be treated.